If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
