So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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