Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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