I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
