I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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