Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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