ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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