That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
