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Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Randomize
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