i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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