Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
