I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
