So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
