The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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