and you said cock pushups were impossible
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
