i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
