I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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