Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
