I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
