I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
