That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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