Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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