I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
