My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
