phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
