Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
