I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
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my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Randomize