ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
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