kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
