Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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