Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
