im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
