I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
