remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
