Your mouth is God's brothel.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
