Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
