in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
