I faked an abortion last night.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
