god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
