I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?