If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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