The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
