At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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