Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
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My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
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Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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