We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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