i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
she smelled like a LAN party
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Randomize
