Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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