a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
how can u be prego again
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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