Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
