upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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