What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
