I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
