Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
