I saw his package. It spoke to me.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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