I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
