omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
