Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We just shotgunned beers for America
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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