hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
