Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
