turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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