If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
