I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Help. Why am I so naked?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
