Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
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His hands were made for my vagina.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
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Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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